'We were inseparable': How imaginary friends help us in real life

From invisible ballerinas to chatty milk cartons, the benefits of made-up friends can last well into adulthood and help us master tricky real-life situations.

Throughout my childhood I had many great friendships, but one group truly left a mark. Capin, Mia and Hannah were my closest friends from an early age, and I recall lots of happy memories together. On hot summer days we would spend hours making daisy chains, spotting peculiar-shaped clouds as they blotted out the Sun's rays, baking fairy cakes, playing hide and seek, practising handstands, cartwheels – exerting ourselves day in and day out until summer drew to an end.

We were an inseparable foursome, yet not the conventional type: Capin, Mia and Hannah were a complete figment of my imagination.

They were my imaginary friends who I shared secrets with, looked to for guidance and turned to when I needed a good dose of fun. But I didn't create them because I was lonely or shy or lacking in real-life friends. In fact, all these years later I'm still not sure where they came from or why.

Whatever my friends' origin, research on imaginary friends suggests that I was lucky to have them. From chatty milk cartons to multi-coloured alligators and a magical ghost giraffe, studies reveal a dazzling range of imaginary creatures accompanying children through the ups and downs of childhood. There's emerging evidence that these have wide-ranging benefits, including enhanced empathy and creativity, which can last well into adulthood.

By the time they are seven years old, two-thirds of children have had an imaginary friend, a character created by them which they interact with or talk about on a regular basis, according to psychologists Naomi Aguiar and Marjorie Taylor.

"These children don't have fewer friends than other children, they have the same number of reciprocal friendships as kids without imaginary friends. And the reality of what the data shows is that they're just like other kids in almost every respect," says Aguiar, a psychologist and the author of Imaginary Friends and the People who Create Them. She currently researches online learning and child relationships with imaginary friends and AI chatbots at Oregon State University in the US.

Often, children's imaginary friends appear when there are no others around, according to Aguiar – not as a sign of deep loneliness, but just because in that specific moment, the child happens to be alone and would like some company.

"A lot of children create imaginary friends because they're fun and because they really like social interactions. So, if there's no social partner to interact with [in a given situation], they create an imaginary friend," says Aguiar.

But these made-up beings can have benefits far beyond just providing company, research suggests. Children with imaginary friends may excel at being creative storytellers, can be less shy, are more interested in fantasy, better able to focus their attention, use screens less and may have more vivid mental imagery than children without imaginary friendships.

Each imaginary friend is unique to its child creator and is often customised to match the ever-shifting whims and needs which appear throughout childhood, Aguiar explains.

One of her favourite examples is the case of a girl who had an invisible milk carton as a friend. What the girl loved about the milk carton was that it wasn't human, and so the milk carton taught her about what it was like to not be human, and she taught the milk carton about what it was like to be human, Aguiar says.

My own imaginary friends appeared when I was around three years old. Hannah and Mia were inspired by two girls from a ballet film. They never walked, only jumped, leapt and spun in a constant cycle of ballet sequences, and they wore matching soft pink leotards, tutus and ballet slippers. But Capin, he truly was an enigma – I have no idea where he came from.

Capin was older than the three of us. He had dark hair which covered his eyes, and an air of sophistication that materialised in a grey cloud which trailed after him. He often hung back from the three of us, offering tidbits of knowledge when needed. Where the girls delighted me with their impressive allegros and pliés, Capin's thoughtful advice was a constant comfort.

Despite their differences, their abilities to entertain were the same. In the winter months we would paint, colour, glue and stick everything in sight. Draw faces on foggy, moisture slick windows, marvel at the explosions of colour which splattered the inky sky every November, flick through catalogues and circle gifts we hoped would come down the chimney on Christmas Day.  

"The most important part of an imaginary companion for me is the creation of the mind and interacting with that mind," says Paige Davis, associate professor of developmental psychology and psychopathology at the University of Leeds, in the UK. Some are based upon real-life people or personified objects, and some materialise in the form of an animal or fantastical creature.

Marta Giménez-Dasí at the University of Valencia in Spain and her colleagues found that children aged four to six years old who had imaginary friends scored higher than children without imaginary friends in assessments of theory of mind and emotional understanding – meaning they were able to understand people have beliefs, desires and intentions which differ from their own.

It's not clear whether this emotional understanding is a result of cultivating imaginary companions – or if it's the other way round, and children who are interested in others' minds, are more likely to create companions.

Davis and her colleagues investigated whether the benefits of having imaginary friends extended beyond neurotypical children.  

Autistic children make and maintain successful friendships, yet their approach to communication, social understanding and emotional understanding, is often different to their neurotypical peers, which can have an impact on relationships, Davis says. Also, they often indulge in imaginative play a little differently, usually engaging in imaginative activities such as drawing instead of make-believe, says Davis. Together, this suggests they may have less inclination to create imaginary friends.

However, when Davis interviewed the parents of 124 autistic children she found that 49% of participants reported their child had created an imaginary friend between the ages of one and 11 years old.

Through these companionships, children with autism create an opportunity to practice social interactions, which they may find challenging, experts say. "One of the struggles of autism is understanding and navigating social relationships, and creating an imaginary companion can be a risk-free forum for exploring," says Tracy Gleason, professor of psychology at Wellesley College in the US.

Consistent, repeated conversations and interactions with an invisible entity which has, in a way, its own mind and helps give an autistic child a foundational understanding of social interactions, which they may find useful, according to Davis and Gleason.

"The parents of autistic children who created an imaginary friend reported they felt their child had better theory of mind than parents of those without one," says Davis. "And the ones that created imaginary friends also had significantly more interest spending time or making new friends."

While they can encourage children to form real-life relationships, imaginary friendships also provide children with a safe space to navigate social complexities, Davis, Gleason and Aguiar say. They can help children begin to develop their boundaries, understand their comfort levels, learn how to navigate difficult conversations and establish common ground to work through a problem.

Aguiar gives the example of a child that has a friend at school who keeps stealing their favourite truck. Maybe their imaginary friend is also always stealing their favourite truck, she says. Through the child's imaginary friend they can yell, apologise, and then work out a shared agreement. This solution can then be adapted to the child's real-life predicament.

"It's developmentally appropriate because the kid is directing the [problem solving]," Aguiar says. "It can be really powerful in terms of sense-making of the real world, and sense-making within around events and relationships that are happening, in a self-generated container."

Davis adds, "kids with imaginary friends are more likely to describe a real-life friend in terms of their mental state rather than their physical appearance. For instance, they are more likely to think 'oh, she has this sense of humour that everyone seems to get' rather than 'she wears plaits in her hair' or 'she's got a blue shirt on'," which suggests they may have a more developed level of empathy and social understanding.

It seems clear that imaginary friends have a range of purposes in a child's life, yet, what happens to these companions as children transition from childhood into adolescence and then adulthood?

"I think a lot of people are under the impression that [imaginary friendships] are something that's associated with early childhood and otherwise not part of development," Gleason says. "But it does happen in adolescence and adulthood."

In a recent study, which is still under peer review, Gleason found a number of adults had imaginary friends. Of the 56 participants who said they had an imaginary friend, 68% had created their companion prior to the age of 20. This suggests their imaginary companion followed them from childhood or adolescence into adulthood. Around 30% of participants said they created their imaginary friend in adulthood.

Adults create imaginary friendships for several reasons, ranging from companionship and social support to intellectual simulation, motivation, affection, emotional intimacy, advice, moral problem solving and for a bit of lighthearted fun to help alleviate adulthood's daily stressors, says Gleason.

"It's a little bit more about functioning in society, being part of a group, being good at your job and kind of mastering the tasks that your job sets for you," Gleason says, suggesting they can help adults practise work-related scenarios, such as simulating a difficult conversation with a client or colleague, or running through an upcoming presentation, helping them build emotional resilience. "They also help with growing and evolving, while having the chance to become who you want to be and live that life," she adds.

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While some imaginary friends do take their leave at the end of childhood, others stick around, and offer a helping hand through every stage of life. "I think for some children the companion can then morph into the next thing that they are developmentally addressing, but for other children it's done," Gleason says.

Capin, Mia and Hannah provided an excellent source of company, and perhaps they were helping me acknowledge my developmental questions that at the time I was yet to realise needed an answer. But at around nine years old as my adolescence neared, our group of four reduced to one, as Capin, Mia and Hannah vanished and left me to fend for myself.

As I picture us now huddled together in the garden watching the clouds undulating around one another, a surge of warmth fills my chest. I remember how much joy they gave me. However, while their significance in my childhood is not lost on me, I know Hannah and Mia's impressive pirouette sequences belong in the past. As for Capin, it's hard to tell whether he'll return. There may be a time in the future when I'll need his guidance. And I have a feeling that if that were to happen, he'd be there for me, trailing his grey cloud of wisdom.

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